To my rapist:

Afterward, you thought we were still friends
Afterward, I had to see you and be cordial
Afterward, I spent 48 hours in a frenzy of AIDS and STD testing
Afterward, I watched the bruises take weeks to heal
Afterward, my friend who heard me scream that night pretended it was my fault
Afterward, a year later, my husband convinced me that what you did was wrong and not my fault

Before, I flirted with you because I was drinking
Before, I wore sexy clothes to attract men
Before, I drank a lot of alcohol so I wouldn’t be nervous
Before, I lightly kissed your cheek
Before, I was planning to meet someone else

During, I asked you to stop
During, I screamed that you were hurting me
During, I tried to push you off but you were too strong
During, I blacked out and could no longer fight
During, you kept going after being asked to stop
During, you kept going after hearing my screams
During, you kept going after I was no longer conscious

Years later, I am still missing the piece of myself that you stole that night and I will never get it back.

For Nola

I stare at your sleeping face and wonder
How all those years ago
I had a life without you, but now
I could never let you go

I don’t know how I questioned this
I wasn’t ready to be a mother
I can’t recall not wanting you
It feels like the life of some other

I’ll never regret the decision I made
For your heart is fused with mine
The doubts washed away like heavy rains
As I held you in my arms each time

My beautiful child, that’s what you are
No longer a tiny babe
I would give every breath I inhale
To make your lungs inflate

And I would drain each drop of blood
Shed every piece of skin
Offer all my organs
To keep that heart beating within

You are my sunshine every day
You are my crystal ball
The future is clear when I look at you
I can see that you’ll have it all

I want you to know so much love
And so very little hate
I want you to be patient
For good things come to those who wait

My darling daughter, I’ll love you forever
And the most important thing I can say
Is when you’re lost or scared to choose
My love will light your way

I may not always be by your side
As I wish I could
For life is full of change and growth
Some bad, and then some good

But remember that you hold me still
Each and every day
Inside your heart, I beat with you
Inside is where I’ll stay

Watch the stars shoot cross the sky
And feel the warm summer wind
Stick your toes in lazy rivers
Put your arms out and spin

But wherever you go
And whatever you do
Know that my love
Can always find you

Baby girl, keep that head up
Turn that frown upside down
Wipe away those tears
Polish off that crown

Sit high upon the throne of life
And revel in all you achieve
But remember to be humble and kind
Remember to believe

Believe in the goodness everyone carries
Though it can be hidden deep inside
Believe in forgiveness and second chances
Don’t be afraid to cry

Open up to people
Even though it can be tough
Friends are just like medicine
They pick you up when life gets rough

Look in the mirror and always know
That you have true beauty inside and out
Forget the television and magazines
They will never teach you what life is about

Take only what you need
And leave the rest behind
Keep in mind, you are important
But so is all of mankind

Love yourself as deeply as possible
It’s the only way others will love you back
Have confidence in every step you take
Each task you must attack

Don’t let people bring you down
Easier said than done
But remember you can be the leader
You’ve the power to be the stronger one

Realize that not everyone
Will fall for your charms and sweet ways
But that’s okay, it’s meant to be
It’s their loss anyway

Life is hard for everyone
So don’t think your problems are too big
If you find yourself down a hole
Then grab a shovel and dig

There is always a way out
And you always have a choice
So don’t forget to speak up now and then
Don’t forget to use your voice

Love is what makes the world go round
Not money, fancy clothes, or sex
It can be magic if you open your eyes
So give it some respect

Feel comfortable inside your own skin
Never look at others to see where you fit in
Because chances are, they’ll tell you wrong
Since their lives are not your own
And comparing yourself is pointless
Because your path will not be shown

You must stumble your way into the life
That you were meant to lead
No one can show you how to be you
It’s a book you must write, then read

I love you, my dear, even when
Your actions may be wrong
I will hold your hand in the dark
You will again be strong

I wish for you so many joys
I wish so little pain
I know that you will do what you do
And smile in the rain

I am not concerned that you
Will grow up perfectly
Even with bumps and bruises
It’s still a flawless victory

I am your mom, your momma,
You are an apple from my tree
I swell with pride while I watch you learn
I can’t wait for what’s left to see

I’ll hold you now and kiss your soft cheek
I’ll whisper gently, “I love you”
And when I turn the light off
You’ll dream that all I wish comes true.

Apathy

Don’t tell me that I’m pretty
Or that my outfit hangs just right
Don’t tell me that I’m stunning
When I get ready to go out for the night

These are not things I need to hear
These are not things I need to believe
These are not things that would give me hope, No-
So just pour me another cup of that apathy

I’m drunk on how much you don’t care
I’m blacking out from the cold
I’m swaddled in a blanket of veiled insults
This routine is getting old

Don’t make an effort to share my interests
Don’t smile and be social with my friends
Put as little effort as possible into it all
You told me it makes no difference in the end

These are not things I need you to do
These are not actions I need to see
These are not things that would give me hope, No-
So just pour me another cup of that apathy

I’m vomiting up the lies we tell ourselves
I’m intoxicated with your empty stare
My levels of love are always on low
This is a life I don’t want to share

Don’t hold me in your arms with warmth
Don’t look into my eyes as deep as you can
Don’t make the compromises we need
It’s clear that you don’t give a damn

These are not things I need to have
These are not things I want in life, you see
These are not things that would give me hope, No-
So just pour me another cup of that apathy

I’m lying lifeless on the ground
My blood is full of your hate
I remember being so hopeful once before
I remember thinking this could be fate

I remember trying my damndest
Until my damndest up and gave out
I remember thinking there was room for change
Until all you made me want to do was shout

I drank up all the apathy
Now I care just as little as you
But how do you dull the pain that remains?
How do you get rid of the residue?

I don’t deserve all the blame
For the ways that this fell short
I am glad I can see this clearly now
My guilt, I can abort

I will always love because
It’s something that I do
You trash my heart and break my hope
But I can’t let go of you.

Untitled

Hang your head
Tears pour like falls
Shame wears heavy
On us all

In retrospect, intention
Means more than we let on
Our selfish wants control us
They block out the sun

Apologies run dry
In that place that we’ve all been
Closed ears have heard all they want
The question is not when

Self pity is a wasted cause
Self doubt an endless hole
Humanity was built to fail
Have mercy on your soul

No one can stand and judge you
For their records are not clean
No one can subtract from your worth
Flaws are meant to be seen

Can I be fine and horrible all at the same time?
Can I let go and hold on too?
Can I keep up with the climb?

A tissue box
An empty bin
A shot glass full
Of top shelf Gin

Bartender, pour me another chance
Take my hand for another dance
Please garnish my drink with loves and joys
Please tell me they are not decoys

When the buzz wears down
Real life returns
The mistakes that we made
Freshly burn

I will wear the marks
Of my failures for life
I will show my scars
We learn our lessons through strife

Rain dripping down the windowpane
Sunny weather returns belief
A measure of each is sprinkled throughout
Savor the hope, dispose of the grief.

Sinful Explosion

Pulses race
Hands move fast
Lips of lust
Forgotten past

Frustration heightens the mood
When zippers stick
Breath slows down
And then comes quick

Sweat drips down your thighs
I jam my leg between
The fire burns so hot
Flames lick my inseam

Touching your chest
Singes my hand
But I go back for more
It’s a pain that I can stand

Desire prevails
Conscience is ignored
What later will punish
In this fleeting moment, will reward

Longing and pining away inside
A delicions sin is committed
And there is nowhere to hide

Wanting another
Who does not belong to you
Craving dishonety
For an explosion of truth

(written in 2002, edited in 2015)

Today

Today is dark and stormy
The clouds are rolling in
My nerves make me so squirmy
I’m crawling in my skin

I don’t know how much will get done
I cannot tell you anything at all
I don’t know if I’ll make it to the end of the week
I don’t know that I won’t fall

Today is cold and scary
Like every day before
But one little thing has changed
One bit of difference has crept into my core

Today is not so dark and stormy as the day that passed
Today the clouds are slower and
My nerves not quite so gassed

Today I got out of the bed
Unlike the other morn
Today I set foot on the floor
Turned off the sadly looping porn

This day is not a good one
It’s certainly not great
But it’s also not a horrible one
Overflowing with self-hate

And if I look hard enough
Though a heavy mist environs my head
I think I see a ray of sun
I think I feel my eyes being led

Led to a lighter spot in the sky
Where darkness penetrates not
Led to a warmer safe place
A good burn, but not too hot

I feel this little bit of something
Shall we call it hope
Taking apart my chest
Looking inside with a microscope
It’s leaving something behind, I know
I can feel the afterglow

It makes my feet feel lighter
And my lungs fill with fresh air
For one moment love is brighter
For one moment I am there

Today is dark and stormy
And the clouds are rolling in
But, Oh what rolled in with those clouds!
My hope came home again

Yesterday was bleak and I cannot find the words
Today is not an easy one but of one thing I am sure
Tomorrow will be better
Just the slightest little bit
Tomorrow there will be more light
I will have more spirit

I will get up with more gusto
I will set foot more heartily
I will not look at the days before
But let them gather dust behind me.

Saving J

Because my words no longer pierce your skull
Because my blade of honesty has grown too dull

I yell and shout but you’ve earplugs in
I scream and pout but you’re not listening

My arms are here to break your fall
My heart is open so pull down your wall

You are blinded by anger
You are torn by rage
You are ravaged by grief
You are struck with pain

But if the storm in your eyes ever clears long enough
I hope you will see we are still standing tough

That your words meant to stab have just bounced off our skin
And your lies meant to wound have not made their way in

If we did not care, we’d have jumped ship long ago
If hate filled our hearts, we would have let you know

But we are still here, standing tall and with love
The only weapon that works when push comes to shove

Please don’t shut us out
We mean you no harm
Please know that you’re cared for
Please don’t be alarmed

Let down your defenses
They only make you weak
Let go of the past
That pain, you should not keep

Breathe deep and believe
That you are worth saving
Let your waves calm
Let your thunder stop raging

You are not an island
You are not adrift at sea
You are not floating without a raft
You don’t have to feel so lonely

Many souls wander the earth by themselves
In search of peace and a place to land
They never find what they’re looking for
And it is so very sad

But if you open your eyes you will see
All the life left in front of you and how much more joyful you could be

If you get up now and take my hand
We can walk from this dark place
We can begin to begin again.

Jacuzzi

I’m in a jacuzzi and I can’t relax. I can never relax. Thoughts racing through my mind like marathon runners, one after another, but the race is never ending. The runners keep coming. Breathless, but still coming.

Tears

There are now indentations in her face where the tears like to gather because she is too weak and too numb to wipe them away. So they pool there, in those places, and dry up over time, leaving a salty residue that is not kind to the skin.

And then the next rain of sadness brings more tears to those same spots and those pools will form again. This has turned into such a regular thing that when she looks in the mirror, she can see her face becoming a different shape.

She decides that this is ok because it is only her outsides trying to mirror her insides, to create a balance. If others notice, they do not comment and they do not wipe the tears away.

The Haze

I cry when I talk about the haze. All the rest of you who wake up to clarity and focus and see exactly what needs to get done in a day; you don’t realize how lucky you are.

Every day, I wake up to a fog filled with unprioritized tasks and thoughts floating every which way that I have to muster the strength to start grabbing at and hope I hit the right ones.

It is infuriating, exhausting, and always the same results: A couple successes, mostly failures. One step forward, three steps back. Maybe one day, my weather will change…