For Nola

I stare at your sleeping face and wonder
How all those years ago
I had a life without you, but now
I could never let you go

I don’t know how I questioned this
I wasn’t ready to be a mother
I can’t recall not wanting you
It feels like the life of some other

I’ll never regret the decision I made
For your heart is fused with mine
The doubts washed away like heavy rains
As I held you in my arms each time

My beautiful child, that’s what you are
No longer a tiny babe
I would give every breath I inhale
To make your lungs inflate

And I would drain each drop of blood
Shed every piece of skin
Offer all my organs
To keep that heart beating within

You are my sunshine every day
You are my crystal ball
The future is clear when I look at you
I can see that you’ll have it all

I want you to know so much love
And so very little hate
I want you to be patient
For good things come to those who wait

My darling daughter, I’ll love you forever
And the most important thing I can say
Is when you’re lost or scared to choose
My love will light your way

I may not always be by your side
As I wish I could
For life is full of change and growth
Some bad, and then some good

But remember that you hold me still
Each and every day
Inside your heart, I beat with you
Inside is where I’ll stay

Watch the stars shoot cross the sky
And feel the warm summer wind
Stick your toes in lazy rivers
Put your arms out and spin

But wherever you go
And whatever you do
Know that my love
Can always find you

Baby girl, keep that head up
Turn that frown upside down
Wipe away those tears
Polish off that crown

Sit high upon the throne of life
And revel in all you achieve
But remember to be humble and kind
Remember to believe

Believe in the goodness everyone carries
Though it can be hidden deep inside
Believe in forgiveness and second chances
Don’t be afraid to cry

Open up to people
Even though it can be tough
Friends are just like medicine
They cure you when life gets rough

Look in the mirror and always know
You’ve true beauty inside and out
Forget the television and magazines
They’ll never teach you what life is about

Take only what you need
And leave the rest behind
Keep in mind, you are important
But so is all of mankind

Love yourself as deeply as possible
And others will love you back
Have confidence in every step you take
Each task you must attack

Don’t let people bring you down
Easier said than done
But remember you can be the leader
You can be the stronger one

Realize that not everyone
Will fall for your charms and sweet ways
But that’s okay, it’s meant to be
It’s their loss anyway

Life is hard for everyone
So don’t think your problems are too big
If you find yourself down a hole
Then grab a shovel and dig

There is always a way out
And you always have a choice
So don’t forget to speak up now and then
Don’t forget to use your voice

Love is what makes the world go round
Not money, fancy clothes, or sex
It can be magic if you open your eyes
So give it some respect

Feel comfortable inside your own skin
Never look at others to see where you fit in
Because chances are, they’ll tell you wrong
Since their lives are not your own
And comparing yourself is pointless
Because your path will not be shown

You must stumble your way into the life
That you were meant to lead
No one can show you how to be you
It’s a book you must write, then read

I love you, my dear, even when
Your actions may be wrong
I will hold your hand in the dark
You will again be strong

I wish for you so many joys
I wish so little pain
I know that you will do what you do
And smile in the rain

I am not concerned that you
Will grow up perfectly
Even with bumps and bruises
It’s still a flawless victory

I am your mom, your momma,
You are an apple from my tree
I swell with pride while I watch you learn
I can’t wait for what’s left to see

I’ll hold you now and kiss your soft cheek
I’ll whisper gently, “I love you”
And when I turn the light off
You’ll dream that all I wish comes true.

Apathy

Don’t tell me that I’m pretty
Or that my outfit hangs just right
Don’t tell me that I’m stunning
When I get ready to go out for the night

These are not things I need to hear
These are not things I need to believe
These are not things that would give me hope, No-
So just pour me another cup of that apathy

I’m drunk on how much you don’t care
I’m blacking out from the cold
I’m swaddled in a blanket of veiled insults
This routine is getting old

Don’t make an effort to share my interests
Don’t smile and be social with my friends
Put as little effort as possible into it all
You told me it makes no difference in the end

These are not things I need you to do
These are not actions I need to see
These are not things that would give me hope, No-
So just pour me another cup of that apathy

I’m vomiting up the lies we tell ourselves
I’m intoxicated with your empty stare
My levels of love are always on low
This is a life I don’t want to share

Don’t hold me in your arms with warmth
Don’t look into my eyes as deep as you can
Don’t make the compromises we need
It’s clear that you don’t give a damn

These are not things I need to have
These are not things I want in life, you see
These are not things that would give me hope, No-
So just pour me another cup of that apathy

I’m lying lifeless on the ground
My blood is full of your hate
I remember being so hopeful once before
I remember thinking this could be fate

I remember trying my damndest
Until my damndest up and gave out
I remember thinking there was room for change
Until all you made me want to do was shout

I drank up all the apathy
Now I care just as little as you
But how do you dull the pain that remains?
How do you get rid of the residue?

I don’t deserve all the blame
For the ways that this fell short
I am glad I can see this clearly now
My guilt, I can abort

I will always love because
It’s something that I do
You trash my heart and break my hope
But I can’t let go of you.

Untitled

Hang your head
Tears pour like falls
Shame wears heavy
On us all

In retrospect, intention
Means more than we let on
Our selfish wants control us
They block out the sun

Apologies run dry
In that place that we’ve all been
Closed ears have heard all they want
The question is not when

Self pity is a wasted cause
Self doubt an endless hole
Humanity was built to fail
Have mercy on your soul

No one can stand and judge you
For their records are not clean
No one can subtract from your worth
Flaws are meant to be seen

Can I be fine and horrible all at the same time?
Can I let go and hold on too?
Can I keep up with the climb?

A tissue box
An empty bin
A shot glass full
Of top shelf Gin

Bartender, pour me another chance
Take my hand for another dance
Please garnish my drink with loves and joys
Please tell me they are not decoys

When the buzz wears down
Real life returns
The mistakes that we made
Freshly burn

I will wear the marks
Of my failures for life
I will show my scars
We learn our lessons through strife

Rain dripping down the windowpane
Sunny weather returns belief
A measure of each is sprinkled throughout
Savor the hope, dispose of the grief.

Sinful Explosion

Pulses race
Hands move fast
Lips of lust
Forgotten past

Frustration heightens the mood
When zippers stick
Breath slows down
And then comes quick

Sweat drips down your thighs
I jam my leg between
The fire burns so hot
Flames lick my inseam

Touching your chest
Singes my hand
But I go back for more
It’s a pain that I can stand

Desire prevails
Conscience is ignored
What later will punish
In this fleeting moment, will reward

Longing and pining away inside
A delicions sin is committed
And there is nowhere to hide

Wanting another
Who does not belong to you
Craving dishonety
For an explosion of truth

(written in 2002, edited in 2015)