Some Days

Some days I can see above the clouds
I live for those days.

Most of the time
I am below them
But oh!
When I am above
Everything feels possible
I feel possible
I feel loved

My potential is usually locked
Deep down in the ground
There’s no key to open the box
And there escapes no sound

I can claw at the dirt
Until my fingers throb and bleed
But the lock holds steadfast and strong
Its authority grants no reprieve

It’s in a cage I cannot break
Afflicted with a sickness I cannot cure
It is a puzzle I cannot solve
Though my intentions remain pure

I am allowed only glimpses
Of the woman I know I could be
Her mind and her heart beat without fail
And she is power indeed

She wakes each day to each new dawn
With a clear and focused start
Her path is unburdened with obstacles
And neither is her heart

She can see the future
And she can touch it too
For she knows what she is capable of
Despite the pain that she’s been through

You want to meet a celebrity?
I just want to meet myself
The me I know I could have been
Without these chains upon my health

I want to take her for coffee
Ask her questions that still plague me
I want to know the exact moment
When Depression came to slay me

Did I even have a chance?
Did I even have a prayer?
To overcome this albatross
That sits upon my flaxen hair?
It is a crown I do not want
A heaviness I cannot bear
I struggle just to stand up tall
I am tarnished from the wear
And though I cannot say for sure
What knowing the answer would repair
The question still gnaws at my soul
I am caught in its wicked snare

I long for the answer to fill me
Emptiness can be so cruel
But I am always empty, it seems
I am always without fuel

I know that it would change nothing
Unless I could go back in time
Yet I am left wondering daily
Is this punishment for a crime?
Did I commit some foul offense
In one of my past lives?
Did I put vinegar in someone’s coffee
Or spit into their eyes?

And then the clouds darken my face
I feel guilt for complaining
I know that I have had some luck
Some umbrellas when it’s raining
And I have people in my life
Who love me, even broken
They tell me the cracks are beautiful
Using words most leave unspoken

I would be remiss not to mention
That I am sad from a privileged place
I have not suffered as much as most
And many would rather run MY race

I was not born into poverty
And I know I’m still not yet there
But that should not determine who gets help
And it should never determine who cares

I was also not born
Under the weight of my skin
And I’ve never had my identity questioned
Over what bigots think is sin

If even a spoiled cis white girl
Can be flattened by endless waves of grief
My heart aches yet so much more
For those who must fight to be seen,
Those who must fight to be free,
Those who ask just to breathe
And those who desire only peace.

Some days I can see above the clouds
Oh how I live for those days.

-CC Perry, 9/7/23